The light was fading
away quickly and evening would soon be night. Walking around her quiet
neighbourhood, the relevance of this on her situation was not lost on her. But
no, the light in her life had already faded. The night in her life would never
cease. She forced her quick and shallow breaths to change to long and deep
ones. Yet, she felt her pulse beat as fast as it always had for the past few
days. She struggled in vain to keep those drops of tears from escaping her
eyes. Suddenly, she found that she could walk no more and sat down in a heap on
the pavement, under the yellow street light.
“I’m learning to walk again...” (Walk, Foo Fighters)
A song on her phone
hummed in her ears. The trickling tears were quickly becoming a torrent.
Burying her face in her hands did not help. She felt tormented by the
emptiness. Where now was his shoulder, upon which she’d laid her head on many
occasions? Where now was his comforting voice that had always reassured her?
Where now was his warm hug that made him her safe haven? Where now was his
sweet kiss that made her feel cared for? Where now, was he?
“My soul yearns for one last look at you...” (Patience, Skyharbor)
Composing herself with
great effort - though it still did not prevent her from heaving - she looked up
at the sky. The chill wind blowing could not affect her; she had turned cold
over the days in his absence. Every second since that dreadful moment was spent
in reminiscence of the memories they shared: the cheers and the tears, the
thrills and the fears and their dreams and their failures. As she was momentarily distracted from those thoughts by the wind that briefly grew stronger, she
realised what she was looking at in the sky. Until then, she was merely looking
at it, without actually taking it in. It was the brightest star in the sky,
Sirius. The irony, now, of the situation was not lost on her. She had lost the
brightest star in her life.
“Always the summers are slipping away… Find me a way for making it
stay...” (Trains, Porcupine Tree)
She got up and trudged
back home. She did not know why she did any of the things that she did of late.
She did not see how anything mattered at all. Surely it will all come to
nothing one day! Nothing made sense to her anymore. Living seemed like a burden
to her. Just then, a small voice that sounded very much like him spoke to her,
inside her head. It filled her with something that made her want to hold on and
to carry on. It even wanted her to make him feel proud. His voice had said,
“You know this is not how I want you to live right now.” Or was it her own
voice? Through all her exhaustion, she couldn’t say. But it had lit the light
of defiance in her. A light to dispel the night. Though she didn’t know it, it
would soon be morning again.
“And your tears have been worthwhile
They got you through to a different place and time where all is
new
To the start of something fine
Like morning dew...” (Love
Will Come to You, Poets of the Fall)
